Me and my broken heart.

I have had this post floating around in my head and whispering to my heart for awhile now.

Eight summers ago my life changed drastically when my heart was broken for the very first time.

I have come to realize over the years that those broken pieces will never be put back together the way that they were.

NO matter how much time passes, I will forever be missing a part of my heart.

As much as I wish it otherwise, I am not the same happy, naive girl I used to be.

Eight summers ago, I stopped saying the word dad,

and it wasn't by choice.

Some would say that I was pretty lucky to go 26 years with all of the pieces of my heart still in tact.

And in a way, I guess that they are right.

I am  was lucky.

The past couple of weeks, I have spent many hours thinking about him, about times that we shared.

I believe all of this thinking started when we were at the county fair 2 weeks ago.

One night, while I waited in an extremely long line to order some food for my family, I watched a smaller family of three try to decide what they were going to order in front of me.

Pretty ordinary, right?

Well, that ordinary moment brought me to tears and has caused me to remember, relive, beg God, cry, and lift my hands to the heavens wishing with all that I am that things were different.

You see, those three people were a mom and a dad and their older teenage daughter.

As they stood there and contemplated what they would order I tried not to seem too stalker-ish as I listened to their banter.

At one point, the father wrapped his big arms around his daughter and smiled down at her.

As she leaned into him and allowed herself to be wrapped up in his warm embrace, I almost lost it.

She looked up at him and he looked down at her and he kissed her....

on the forehead,

just. like. my. dad. would have done.

Shit.

That was it.

I was done.

I can't believe that I was able to order any food at all after that, I just couldn't hold back those big alligator tears that spilled down my cheeks.

That tiny, ordinary moment destroyed me.

All I could think was that, 'I will never have a moment like that again.'

Since that time the only thing that I wanted to do, that I needed to do, was watch my wedding video.

Travis and I were married 10 years ago and I have yet to watch our reception video clips.

Pretty crazy, right?

I mean, ten years without watching a silly video?

Well, tonight, I finally decided that it was time.

{Sigh}

Time that I saw that I did have those ordinary, holy shit, stop time moments with my dad.

This video is pretty raw, but even though it is not of amazing quality, it makes me smile and cry and thank God that I had this amazing man in my life.

I will take the broken heart, it just affirms how very much he meant to me, and still does.

County Fair

Today.

When I declared (what right now seems like a lifetime ago) that I was never, ever going to marry a farmer, I didn't realize that said prediction would be exactly the opposite of what would actually happen. 

I guess it's true what they say, 'never say never.' 

Years ago I didn't envision my life as a 4h mama, (if you asked me back then, I honestly couldn't have even told you much about 4h having never been in it myself).

Today, I am learning everyday what it means to be a mama of a 4h kid (or 3!). 

All three kids showed their calves in the county fair at the Dairy Show this morning.

I would be lying if I didn't say that I was secretly cheering them on in my head as they walked that arena with clean, adorable, and snuggly calves. 

To say that I was excited when Madi clinched the win in her class (she was first out of 5 in her class) would be an understatement.

She rocked it and I am so proud of her! 

Tanner did a great job as well and received a blue ribbon for his efforts and was invited back for the state fair line up. 

Madi ended up receiving a reserve champion in dairy calf (quite an honor) and getting invited back for the blue ribbon auction tomorrow (where we hope that someone sponsors her).

Tanner, showed his talents elsewhere, and received a grand champion in showmanship (which means that he was able to lead his calf well and keep it under control). 

As a  new 4h mama, I was so damn proud! 

It was a little tricky to coordinate Ty and Madi's outfits for the dress up your calf event at the fair but we pulled through!

Tyson was able to get a taste of victory like his big brother and sister when he placed 1st in this division. 

Apparently, the boy can dress for a part and play it pretty well!