Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Me and my broken heart.

I have had this post floating around in my head and whispering to my heart for awhile now.

Eight summers ago my life changed drastically when my heart was broken for the very first time.

I have come to realize over the years that those broken pieces will never be put back together the way that they were.

NO matter how much time passes, I will forever be missing a part of my heart.

As much as I wish it otherwise, I am not the same happy, naive girl I used to be.

Eight summers ago, I stopped saying the word dad,

and it wasn't by choice.

Some would say that I was pretty lucky to go 26 years with all of the pieces of my heart still in tact.

And in a way, I guess that they are right.

I am  was lucky.

The past couple of weeks, I have spent many hours thinking about him, about times that we shared.

I believe all of this thinking started when we were at the county fair 2 weeks ago.

One night, while I waited in an extremely long line to order some food for my family, I watched a smaller family of three try to decide what they were going to order in front of me.

Pretty ordinary, right?

Well, that ordinary moment brought me to tears and has caused me to remember, relive, beg God, cry, and lift my hands to the heavens wishing with all that I am that things were different.

You see, those three people were a mom and a dad and their older teenage daughter.

As they stood there and contemplated what they would order I tried not to seem too stalker-ish as I listened to their banter.

At one point, the father wrapped his big arms around his daughter and smiled down at her.

As she leaned into him and allowed herself to be wrapped up in his warm embrace, I almost lost it.

She looked up at him and he looked down at her and he kissed her....

on the forehead,

just. like. my. dad. would have done.


That was it.

I was done.

I can't believe that I was able to order any food at all after that, I just couldn't hold back those big alligator tears that spilled down my cheeks.

That tiny, ordinary moment destroyed me.

All I could think was that, 'I will never have a moment like that again.'

Since that time the only thing that I wanted to do, that I needed to do, was watch my wedding video.

Travis and I were married 10 years ago and I have yet to watch our reception video clips.

Pretty crazy, right?

I mean, ten years without watching a silly video?

Well, tonight, I finally decided that it was time.


Time that I saw that I did have those ordinary, holy shit, stop time moments with my dad.

This video is pretty raw, but even though it is not of amazing quality, it makes me smile and cry and thank God that I had this amazing man in my life.

I will take the broken heart, it just affirms how very much he meant to me, and still does.

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