Saturday, January 10, 2015

My Heart

I don't have a photo to post tonight.

I just have words.

Words that need to be said, that I need to let out. 

The past few days I have had something quite large weighing on my heart.

As I sit here, at the computer, attempting to write these words out, it's hard to stop the emotion that wants to break free, to be let loose.

I don't {often} cry in front of others. 

If I am being completely honest, I'm pretty sure that this is the first time that I have admitted this little factoid about myself out loud.

I'm not emotionless, I cry.

In fact, there are many times that I find my eyes wet and find it hard to swallow, with a lump in my throat.

These times however, are more often than not spent alone.

One of the only times, in my recent history, that I can remember crying in front of others was my fathers funeral.

Back then, I couldn't seem to stop the massive overflow of tears and incredible sadness that weighed me down on a constant basis.

Who really cared if others were around to witness this very private thing that I couldn't help?

Today, these tears that I can't seem to stop are for a completely different reason,


I struggle with it.

I love God, I believe in him, I know him, but I have never felt that 'thing' that my Christian friends are so openly talking about.

I have never heard Him.

I have never felt the pull of him calling me to something, something greater than myself.

This past week, I think I've heard him.

These tears that are running down my face, this wetness that I can't seem to wipe away..... I know that it's Him.

I am being called to something.

Something so much bigger than me.

I have so much to be grateful for.

I have so many people in my life who love me and who I love deeply in return.

I wear a ton of 'hats', hats that I always dreamed of getting the chance to wear.

Sometimes these 'hats' leave me weary and beaten down, but more often than not, they leave me smiling and thanking Him for these awesome blessings in my life.

I am so thankful that I am able to love with all of my heart.

So, tonight, I lift my hands.

Thank You,

I hear You.

I haven't made a decision yet but I am listening with my whole heart and trusting You to know my true calling. 

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